Children
Vulnerability
All children are vulnerable to sexual abuse regardless of their age, gender or where and with whom they live. This is because children are trusting of all adults and in our society, they are less powerful, less informed and are taught to obey elders.
What they feel
Children try to hide their dreadful secret and suffer in silence but are usually experiencing very strong feelings inside: fear, depression, guilt, shame, betrayal, anger, confusion, helplessness and despair. As a result of sexual abuse, children also inherently feel dirty, damaged and different. They are however often unable to verbalise these feelings or what is happening to them.
Why they don’t tell
Children normally do not talk about sexual abuse. This is because they do not have the appropriate language and do not know how to describe the abuse, they are often confused about what is happening to them, they may have been threatened by the abuser or are scared of being blamed, not believed or rejected, they love the abuser and do not wish any harm to come to him, they are too ashamed or embarrassed to talk about it, they believe it is their fault or they may simply not know who to tell.
Sometimes when children do talk about the abuse are and are not believed, then it makes them feel more ashamed and afraid to tell anyone else. When they have been believed and protective action is taken then they feel secure and cared for and this has positive impact on their healing process.
Silent ways of telling
Even when children might not talk about their abuse, their feelings around it are strong. These leak out in some way, in changed behaviours and moods. We call these ‘the silent ways of telling’.
These signs suggest that a child has been sexually abused:
- Displaying too much sexual knowledge for her age
- Inappropriate sexual behaviour with other children
- Writing stories about sex or abuse
- Drawing pictures about sex or abuse, showing oversized genitals in her drawings of male adults or consistently using ‘angry’ colours such as purple, black and red
- Using dolls or stuffed toys to simulate oral sex or anal or vaginal intercourse
- Sexually transmitted diseases
- Pregnancy in an older child
The following signs may not necessarily mean that a child is being sexually abused, but indicate that she is upset about something:
- Overeating
- Refusing to eat
- Compulsive eating
- Vomiting out food
- Bed wetting
- Retaining urine
- Constipation
- Diarrhea
- Frequent illnesses such as stomach aches, rashes, sore genitals
- Withdrawing from people
- Fearful of being alone with some people
- Not making close friends
- Depression
- Anxieties and phobias
- Nightmares
- Tantrums
- Aggressive, violent or disruptive behaviour
- Difficulty sleeping
- Underachievement at school
- Overachievement at school
- Isolation
- Frequent ‘accidents’
- Lying and stealing
- Self-mutilation
- Alcohol or drug abuse
- Running away from home
How they are perceived
People may notice some of these changes without realising that they are signs of distress or sexual abuse. Often therefore, the child is thought to be ‘going through a phase’. Instead of offering help or care, adults tend to label the child as naughty, silly, difficult, stubborn, mad or bad. Consequently, many survivors grow up believing these labels, believing they are mad or bad. It is important to remember however, that these behaviours are simply a way of coping with strong feelings which cannot be expressed directly.
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